Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
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One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
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Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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