"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
