I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
