we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
