There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
