My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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