guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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