Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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