You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
