Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
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I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
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MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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