yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
