im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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