Define "chronic" masturbator.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
