I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
