New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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