I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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