this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
