yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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