Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I am one with the molecules
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
