so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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