Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
