i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
