Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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