man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
