a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
