im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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