It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
