I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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