You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
