I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
