Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
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there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
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Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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