i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
