do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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