ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
