Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We left the knife in your bed.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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