I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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