He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
