I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
