i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
