You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
