I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
