His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
