i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
