I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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