her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
