How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
