He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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