OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
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I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
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Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying