You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
