did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
