dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
