Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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