i was rollin on her like bob the builder
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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