i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
