his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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