haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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